Because I am super nerdy, I have spent pretty much the last year of my life (and a few hundred bucks) writing and producing an online sci-fi/adventure series. It’s called Hank Frisco: Galaxy Defender. I think it’s pretty good if I don’t say so myself. Check it out!
Hank Frisco – Episode 1: Marooned! from Hank Frisco on Vimeo.
So, I came up with a million dollar idea. You can have it. I’ve got a million million dollar ideas. If you take the time and energy to develop the prototype, it’s all yours.
I give you The Fuxedo.
It’s exactly what it sounds like: A tuxedo you can wear while fucking. How many times have you been getting hot and heavy with your main squeeze only to find that you’re not looking that fancy? If I had a nickel for every time I had that feeling, I would only have like $2.25. But still, that’s like 45 nickels.
The Fuxedo provides easy access to your genitals and ass so you can give or receive sexual activity from either end! Also, you can wear it in a jacuzzi! Sure, why not?
Finally, a tuxedo you can wear while taking a trip to the bone zone. Who wouldn’t want one of these things?
Five hundred words really isn’t even that much writing. Sure, five hundred sounds like a pretty big number and I guess in some cases it is. Like if you have to lift a 500-pound walrus up five hundred flights of steps, that’s a lot. But words are small. They’re more like grains of salt or milliseconds. You can fit a lot of them in a relatively small space. With words, you can probably fit five hundred of them on two pages of paper if you double-space the text. Single-spaced you could almost definitely fit five hundred words on one sheet of paper.
There are tricks too. Of course, most of the time you won’t need tricks. As I said before, five hundred words really isn’t a lot. But if you find yourself in a situation where you need to get to five hundred words just to get to five hundred words there are a couple of things you can do. It’s easy.
For instance, you can make words longer than they need to be. You can spell out the words “five hundred” instead of using the numbers. This doubles your word count every time you use the words “five hundred.” If you happen to be writing five hundred words on the words or number “five hundred.” This trick can come in handy. Especially if you are just trying to get the job done.
Another good trick is just to say the same thing in different ways. You don’t want to get too repetitive but there are a few different ways to say almost anything. Sometimes you can just straight up repeat yourself. However, you probably won’t need to because, like I said before, five hundred words really isn’t even that much writing.
A good example of repeating yourself without sounding too redundant is to have a paragraph (usually near the end of the text) that sort of takes the main points of your article (or whatever) and sums them up in a couple quick sentences. Like I could say (and I will) for this piece the main points are: five hundred words isn’t that much writing, a good trick is to say the same thing different ways, sometimes you can just straight up repeat yourself and that a good way of repeating yourself without sounding too redundant is to have a paragraph (usually near the end of the text) that sort of takes the main points of your article (or whatever) and sums them up in a couple quick sentences.
Another good trick to getting to five hundred words (or more) quickly is to use parenthesis. It’s sort of like repeating yourself, but you usually sound wittier when you use parenthesis (that’s why I like them.)
If you follow these helpful tips, you will have written five hundred words before you know it. So don’t freak out if somebody asks you to write five hundred words. It shouldn’t take you that long. Five hundred is really not that many words.
I wrote this for my friend, Jenny Kane.
Greetings Agent DelGarbino,
I’m sure I don’t have to remind you that the information you are about to receive is for your eyes only. However, as it is my job I must reiterate that any information regarding the Clandestine Camels is strictly classified. If word of the Clandestine Camels were to fall into the wrong hands, the consequences would be catastrophic. The global economy would collapse, all of the earth’s super volcanoes would simultaneously erupt and worst of all, Lance Bass would once again rise from the dead and resume his quest for the jade monkey. We all remember what happened last time Bass possessed the jade monkey. We all remember the heinous Lance Bass and his unquenchable thirst for human blood.
Anyway, your services are required in an isolated region of Tanzania. The coordinates have already been transferred to your Actar 911 mobile device. Once you arrive at your location, you will rendezvous with Aqualatron, leader of the Clandestine Camels. He will provide you with $100,000 European currency, your weapon (a pair of titanium nunchucks) and enough pop tarts to get you though the mission. Please save all proof of purchase points from each box of pop tarts you consume. I am saving up for a radical skateboard. Extreme!!!!!!
Your mission is to locate and assassinate a man known only as Puddin’ Head. Puddin’ Head is the leader of the terrorist Guerrilla group, The Snack Squad. It is my understanding that you have dealt with the Snack Squad before. It is because of your previous experience with the Snack Squad during your missions in Cairo that we have chosen you for this mission. You know that they will stop at nothing to feed you sugary snacks until your teeth are riddled with cavities. It is for this reason that the Snack Squad must be stopped. Not only do our children’s teeth depend on it, but also the teeth of our children’s children. The teeth of our children’s children’s children are also at risk but we don’t need to get into that right now. You’re under enough pressure as it is.
A small bit of information about the Clandestine Camels. First of all, they’re big. I’m sure you can imagine how difficult it has been keeping these extremely large camels a secret. Many are disguised as National landmarks. The St. Louis Arch, Statue of Liberty and Golden Gate bridge are actually very large camels. It is through slight of hand and the strong power of suggestion that we are able to hide these camels in plain sight. It was quite difficult at first. People would say, “that’s not a bridge, it’s a huge camel.” It took much convincing in the first few years to talk people into believing that these camels were actually landmarks and support structures. Why I am writing all of this top secret information down and possibly jeopardizing the mission is a question I can’t answer. Maybe I’ll delete it before the final draft. Probably not.
If you are captured during your mission, the United States Government will deny knowledge of and involvement with the Clandestine Camels. If you are killed, your wife will be sent a lovely ham. And I don’t use the term lovely lightly. The ham is made from the most adorable pigs in the world. These pigs are so cute they can only be farmed by the blind. Otherwise, the farmers would almost definitely fall in love with them and leave their families to be with the pigs for the rest of their lives. This is quite understandable. The pigs are lovely. Their meat has a distinct way of saying, “how do you do?” to your taste buds and lightly kisses each bud on the top of the forehead before gently sending it off to sleep. I will now stop describing the ham so as to not give you any ideas about getting killed on purpose so your wife can have the ham.
You are our top agent and you have been selected for this mission because we believe that you are the only one capable of protecting the Clandestine Camels. The world is counting on you and your titanium nunchucks to keep our secrets safe from the evil clutches of Lance Bass. Why they never shot that asshole into space like we had originally planned is a mystery to me. Good luck, Agent DelGarbino and remember those proof of purchase points. I want that radical skateboard.
Godspeed. This message will be recycled in an eco-friendly manner.
Eh. The plague isn’t so bad. All those medieval Europeans are a bunch of complainers. So you get swollen lymph nodes in your armpits and groin. Big deal. You cough up blood. That doesn’t sound that bad does it? It kills you within 2-6 days. So what? At least you don’t have to shovel your driveway anymore. Did you ever think about that? Didn’t think so. Whiny peasants.
You know, when we were kids we got the Bubonic Plague all the time. I’d wake up coughing with black sores all over my body and my mom would still make me walk to school. 43 Miles! In the snow! And this was after feeding all the chickens and chopping firewood. It wasn’t a pleasant experience by any means but jeez Louise! At least I had the decency to not drop dead. 75 million lazy ass members of the European working class decided to just drop dead instead of doing their jobs. We didn’t have time to drop dead. There was too much work to do. Oh sure, we had a few quitters over here in the States. At my after school job as a coal miner there were a couple of sissies bellyaching about how they were “too sick to work” or “dying.” Wah, wah, wah. The foreman wasn’t falling for it and frankly, neither was I. We all had the plague but hell, that coal wasn’t going to mine itself. Some of those pantywaists had the gall to drop dead right there one the job. Of course, that only made more work for the rest of us. But guess who didn’t get paid for those days? Yep, all the dead people. At the end of my shift, I’d collect my four nickels (or two dimes depending on the day of the week and bank holidays) and drudge home to make dinner for my family. The next day I would wake up and do it all over again. I couldn’t believe the nerve of some of those dead folks. It’s a damn shame.
And what’s all this about blaming the rats for carrying the plague? Don’t blame the rats. They didn’t do anything wrong. Who could blame a cute little defenseless rat for causing one of the largest epidemics in human history? Not me. That’s for sure. I love rats. Everybody loves rats. I don’t know why dogs get so much damn credit. If I had it my way, we’d all keep rats as pets instead of stupid dogs. You’d see happy people walking their friendly rats on every street corner. ”Good morning neighbor,” people would say to each other. ”My that’s a fine looking rat you have there.” Doesn’t that sound nice?
When my children were born, I made sure they got the plague early. I figured it would toughen them up but mostly I did it so I wouldn’t hear any whining. ”Daddy, I’m coughing up too much blood to mow the lawn.” Like hell you are. Now get back out there and trim the hedges. Oh yeah, we had a couple plague parties. All the neighborhood kids would come over and the little rug rats could infect the hell out of each other with the bubonic plague. Again, some of the more pansy kids thought it would be OK to die from the disease. But none of my kids died. They knew better. My kids knew that if they did die, they would be in for a harsh beating. Some of the parents didn’t agree with my neighborhood philosophies but whatever, whose kids are dead and whose kids are alive? Yeah that’s right. Boo-yah.
So, I might get stung to death by bees today. It’s unlikely, but it could happen. I’ll be working inside for most of the day so I doubt I’ll see any bees there. At the most I may see one or two bees but even that is pretty unlikely. I don’t know how many bee stings it takes to kill a man either. If I were allergic to bee stings, it probably wouldn’t take that many to kill me but I’m not. I’m guessing it would take hundreds or maybe even thousands of bee stings to take me down. Huh. That makes me feel pretty tough. Take that, hundreds or thousands of bees.
I’m pretty confident that me getting killed by bees isn’t going to happen but you never know, so I take certain precautions. Nothing crazy. I don’t wear bee proof underwear or anything. I just try to stay sharp. I keep my ears open for buzzing when I turn sharp corners. If I don’t hear buzzing, it’s all good. No bees. Or so I think. There could still be silent bees. Is there a such thing as silent bees? I don’t think so, but it could happen.
How am I supposed to prepare for a silent bee attack? That’s the thing. I can’t really prepare for that. If silent bees are out to get me, they’re going to get me. There’s not much I can do. Oh, I’ll fight them. I’ll punch as many bees in the face as I can. but bees are determined little fuckers. If they want to sting me to death, they’ll get the job done. Bees got dedication. They’re like Kamakazee bombers. They die whenever they sting you. That’s how dedicated bees are. They don’t care if they die or not. Stinging you is that important to them. Stubborn little bastards.
It’s a good thing that me getting stung to death is so unlikely. After writing this, I realize that I don’t want to deal with bees at all. Especially silent ones. What a crappy way to die. That Thomas J. from My Girl had it rough. Well, I’m about to step outside. Good luck to me. I doubt I’ll get stung to death by bees but it could happen.
So, did you know that Marmaduke is finally out on DVD? It is! Finally! On DVD! 
I don’t know about you, but I have been waiting for this for such a long time. I mean, when the movie came out, I was pumped. Beyond pumped. Finally, somebody had the brain power to take a 60-year-old, 1 frame Sunday comic strip and make it into a modern day movie. I never would have thought of that!
Oh, and that’s not all. You think this movie was just thrown together so some Hollywood yokels could make some fast cash? Hold your tongue!
Get this. In the Marmaduke movie, Marmaduke talks! Of course, he didn’t talk in the comic strip but this makes the movie so much more enjoyable. And you should hear the things he says! So funny! A masterful performance by Owen Wilson. Wasn’t he nominated for an Oscar for this movie? No? Politics ruins the Oscars every year. Why can’t they just give the Oscar to the actor who gives the best performance? In this case, it’s obviously Owen Wilson.
So, if you somehow missed this gem in the theaters, you can pick up a copy of the DVD at any Walmart, K-Mart, Target, Best Buy or any other American chain store. Buy one today! Buy two in case one breaks! Watch it over and over again until your brain melts! It’s the new Citizen Kane. 5 out of 5 bones.
So, I woke up in the middle of the night the other night with the most amazing idea. I usually keep a notebook next to my bed just in case something like this happens but I had left it somewhere else this particular night so I was unable to write it down. Fortunately, the idea was so good I would never forget it. I let myself drift back to sleep all the time giggling and whispering the word “sextfast” to myself.
A couple hours later, I wake up for realz and of course I can’t remember that “awesome” idea that I had. I was kicking myself all morning for forgetting. It could have been the greatest idea I’ve ever had and my lazy ass lost it. I couldn’t remember anything about it except that it was brilliant.
A few hours later “sexfast” came back to me. It hit me like a brick to the face and for a minute I was so excited. Then I realized how dumb of an idea it actually was. I remembered that it was a cross between sexting and breakfast but I could not think of a way I could use it…in anything. I guess sexting is sorta funny and breakfast is cool too but they really don’t go together. They don’t even go together in a sarcastic way. The two subjects don’t even contrast each other well. ”Sextfast” isn’t funny at all. It’s dumb.
I think there is an episode of Seinfeld about this too. I only bring that up because Seinfeld is a perfect example of something that we all thought was hilarious at first, but now realize isn’t really that good. Or it was good before but is no longer enjoyable. I don’t know. Some people still love it.
So, the moral of this story is that sleeping makes you dumb. Don’t do it. Just come up with ideas when you are awake. If you smoke weed, smoke as much weed as you can. You’ll come up with amazing ideas all the time but the ideas will only stay good if you stay high. So, that’s my awesome advice to the world. Stop sleeping and smoke as much weed as possible.
I hope kids don’t read this.
Dude. We totally need a Robin Hood. There are a lot of rich people who are dicks and a lot of poor people who aren’t. Somebody should steal shit from all the rich people and give it to the poor. You know, a modern day Robin Hood.
The new Robin Hood should probably be a little more hip to today’s standards though. Like he probably shouldn’t wear green tights. Maybe he could wear like a green hoodie instead. Come to think of it, that would make more sense anyway. I mean, his name is Robin Hood. He should probably have a hood. I guess that just sounds better than Robin Green Tights. Or maybe he should be from “the hood.” That sounds better. I can’t believe that somebody hasn’t made that into a movie already.
The new Robin Hood probably needs a new weapon too. Today’s Robin Hood probably wouldn’t get away with busting into rich dudes houses and shooting their guards with a bow and arrow. The guards will probably have guns. Maybe the new Robin Hood would have a computer program called “Bow and Arrow” that he uses to steal money from rich cats bank accounts. That makes more sense because I don’t think rich people keep all their cash in their houses anymore. I mean, Robin Hood could still steal expensive candle holders and paintings and shit but poor people don’t want that crap. They want the cash. So yeah, he should have a computer program. Either that or a bazooka. H eshould probably still know how to swordfight too. Just cuz, you know, swordfighting is cool.
So, who wants to do it? Who wants to be the new Robin Hood? I’d do it myself, but I’m sort of busy. Plus, I came up with the idea so when it happens and the 5-0 starts looking for Robin Hood, they’re gonna come to me first. I’d be happy to help but I don’t have time to be a ful time Robin Hood. Also, I’m pretty out of shape and I don’t know how to swordfight. I was gonna take lessons this summer but things have been kind of hectic.